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Why we often say yes when we mean no

The corner-stone of my workshops and play parties are teaching people about boundaries and consent We used to be taught that NO means NO. However this is woefully inadequate There are dozens upon dozens of reasons why we often end saying Yes when we want to say NO - Not just in sex but in everyday life

When I was a young woman I lived a very edgy double life. At night time I was a sex -worker running my own business. However I also graduated as DUX at university and had gone on to a job in a very prestigious professional company. I was hired at the same time as four of my classmates . They were all males and had graduated with lower grades than me. However, I ended up making coffee and taking notes whilst they quickly were given bigger and better things to do

However eventually the boss noticed me. Sadly it was not for my professional or academic ability. He started wining and dining me and as a reward for my companionship I started getting better jobs It did not stop there. I was also encouraged to wine and dine some of our companies most prestigious clients and potential new clients, On many occasions it was implied that I should have sex with these clients to seal the deal. My employers described this as "taking one for the team'

This was a miserable part of my life I felt disempowered and said yes to doing a lot of things I did not want to do I had no boundaries and no ability to advocate for myself I wanted to be acknowledged for my academic ability and I did not want to be taking notes and doing menial jobs. I desperately wanted a career and I simply could not see any other way other than to do what I was told.

At the same time in my secret life as a sex-worker I felt in control I was setting boundaries and being respected. The negotiations around sex -work were much cleaner and more honest. HOWEVER, when the boss at my professional job found out I was a sex-worker I was sacked immediately. I was shunned, called names and had to deal with abuse from my former employers. They felt that I had bought shame and disrepute to their organization. Even thought they too had been asking me to sell my sexuality. Just under different circumstances

At this point I chose sex -work as my profession I am so very grateful I made this choice. But I still wonder what my life would have looked like had I been better able to negotiate my boundaries. I definitely would have been saved a lot of pain and trauma to my body. My story is not unique Sure it has a saucy end that makes it more interesting. But so many people find themselves in situations where they find themselves saying Yes to things they do not want to do

We are not taught about boundaries from a young age We are not encouraged to say no. Often we are taught to trust those in authority instead of trusting ourselves. At my workshops we go back to the wisdom of the body and we re-learn how to listen and trust our own inner truth



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